Bad news....

We got some news about Ms. Amelia and the issues with her heart. After her echocardiogram and appointment on Monday, our cardiologist told us that her PDA (hole in her heart) was still medium-small. He said that he felt like they had given it plenty of time to close on its own, and that he wanted to confer with his colleagues to get a general consensus on whether or not she should have surgery to close it. The pros of having the surgery are that it would cause the pressure in her lungs to decrease, which would allow her to breathe better, and to get off of her oxygen, as well as give her the best possible long-term outcome for her lungs. The cons are, obviously, her size, as well as the fact that she JUST started doing well with eating and gaining weight. He told us he'd talk to his colleagues and get back with us by the end of the week.

I got the call this morning--they all concur that she needs to have the surgery. The benefits outweigh the risks, and they feel pretty comfortable with the procedure. Normally, this can be done out-patient by threading a catheter with what is essentially a cork into the ductus (hole in the heart) and closing it. However, because Amelia is tiny, there are serious risks with attempting to use a catheter; her veins are TINY, and if there were problems threading the catheter, it would end up being worse than just having regular surgery. We go for a consultation with the surgeons on Monday; I will get explicit details on the surgery then. They did tell us to expect her to be in the hospital for at least 1-2 weeks.

My heart is broken. Even though I'm reasonable, and I know that this is for the best, it hurts me to think of her having surgery on her teeny tiny heart. I also have near panic attacks just THINKING about being in the hospital again. Someone once said that being in the NICU truly causes post-traumatic stress disorder, and I believe it. The thought of parking my car in that parking garage, taking that STUPID shuttle over to the hospital, walking through those doors again--it puts me over the edge. And all of that doesn't even TOUCH my fear of the "what-ifs"...I cannot stand the thought of anything happening to my sweet little miracle.

Amelia is so, so strong. I knew this the day she had her hernia repair, and she immediately extubated herself and breathed on her own just fine. She has come though SOOO much; this is just another small bump in her road, I'm sure. I just love that little girl more than life itself, and if, God forbid, something happens to her...I'm not even going to think about it.

Please, please pray for our little angel baby. I'll update again with the details of the surgery after our appointment next week.

My sweet, sweet little girl: